The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
--8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

AMANA WASHER $100
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE
--ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES
--PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX
COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK
-- $2000

GERMAN SHEPHERD
--85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
--WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
--HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
--"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA
- - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG
--LOOKS LIKE A RAT
--BEEN OUT AWHILE
BETTER BE REWARD

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
-- "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

AMERICAN FLAG
--60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

BARS SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS